So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
Velcro: what a rip-off.
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out