I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.