I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.