I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.