I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.