So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.