So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.