So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.