I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.