I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.