I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.