I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'