I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'