I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.