I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'