I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.