I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.