So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.