So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.