So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.