So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.