So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.