So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.