So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'