When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.