Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.