I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.