I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.