I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.