I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.