I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.