I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.