Velcro: what a rip-off.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.