Velcro: what a rip-off.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.