Velcro: what a rip-off.

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.