People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.