People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.