Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."