Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.