So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.