So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

Velcro: what a rip-off.

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.