So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.