So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.