So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.