My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'