My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.