My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.