My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

Velcro: what a rip-off.