My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'