For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.