As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.