So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

Velcro: what a rip-off.

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.