So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.