So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.