So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.