One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.