One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".