One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.