One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."