Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.