Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.