Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'