So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.