So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.