So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'