I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'