I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.