I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.