I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.