Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.