So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."

A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure