So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'