So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."

A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.