So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.