So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.