'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.