'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'