Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.