Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.