Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!