Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.