Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.