I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.