I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure