I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"