I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.