A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'