A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'