A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.