A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'