I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.