I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.