I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.