I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."