I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.