A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.