A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.