I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.