I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'