Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.