Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.