My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".