My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'