Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'