And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.