Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'
Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.