I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".