I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.