I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'