Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'