Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"