A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.