A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'