A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.