A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!