I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."