I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".