A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'