My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.
Tommy CooperI inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
Tommy CooperSo a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
Tommy Cooper